Coffee Drinking 25

And now an “Au is crazy” chapter… Au wut?

There’s different theories in about this and that, and seems there will always be, though I think it is important to differentiate between trauma and paranoia, so you know where the fears come from, then be able to work with the problem.

Fears from trauma are about the repetition of something bad that happened. For example, Aurora has found a roof to be under for the longest time, yet she still has the mindset of living without it. That also speaks a lot about the relationship with the people she is living with, but lets leave that for later.

Another example is the death of her mother, she “cant” die again but guess who can… that among other things create an eternal denial about it, and someone like Aurora takes it too far, way too far, “… the rich son waits for his father to die, the poor, just drink and cry, but me, I just dont care at all…”. And lets leave it at that not to disperse much, the point is, the only self image from death comes from that.

And another example, I didnt work hard that day, I ate and slept well, I was strong the prior days, I finally got to wear the winter clothes that are stored all year long… and still I got a flu, again… aahhhggg! damn.

Fears from paranoia comes from deep frustration, the basic “formula” is frustration plus narcissism, if I remember correctly, some spanish doctor defined it in the 70s or something, and I do agree with it as it is very obvious, the fall wouldnt be that hard if you didnt climb so high.

So learning to let go is the key, and acceptance of having lost is the start, something narcissism gets in the middle of, but what I find a healthy attitude that keeps me going is:

“Hey, life sucks so, soooo hard, but at least lets enjoy the rest of it, there is nothing left to do”.

And there really isnt, unless youre stubborn enough to keep making the same “mistakes”, or more poetically said:

“Love has gone away, and there is no one here now, and there is nothing left to say, but how, how much I miss”.

The point here is to dismantle the “traumas” made by deep frustration, and thats something only you can do because you are the source of it, and life is never ever going to be “good”, we all know that… I am a ridiculously easygoing person, but I do have felt it in all my glorious self, the twin stories of Satellite of Love and Taken by the Demons are an example of it… creepy.

Im the kind of person who holds and holds for the longest time, then explodes in a wave of mania, but, my easygoing powers are waaaay too strong.

The other side of the Apathy coin, I guess dad was useful after all XD

That and depression, maybe next time, I have pigeon hospital duty this morning, and one bled to death yesterday :S poor little one.

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Coffee Drinking 24

And now Im depressed because Im happy.

Im immensely glad about the stable state of what I consider to be happy, and Ive been able to maintain it for some time now, which has caused me lately a deep depression I have not handled properly, and I fail to enjoy this victory, after such great effort, Im stuck, Im not able to move on. Its not much of a problem because after all, well, Im happy, I made it over the constant adversity I fought against for some time now, probably too long, the washed up bitter worries of a casual life, its not even that big, its minor stuff in a system of many.
And of course the first thing I do is to shut down emotionally, I can barely write and my mental eye is closed, its impossible to draw now.

So, while I put myself together and (dont) think of the many trials in the future to come from this better position.

Time for Happy Happy Creppy AuAu Hour!! in order of remembrance:

1- I put an xb12 with the passive radiator on my forehead, such ecstasy, actually too much and overcomes, so I dont do it often. I should try to put it on my belly, but, mmm, I dont really like sexuality that way.

2- I eat the pigeons corn once in a while, if I hadnt bring anything else… theres a very good mexican way to prepare it, but, at that point Im too much in a hurry… then I would need to slow chew so I end up either fasting a little or just buying some bread at the end. I have apathy also towards food, sure I enjoy it but soon I get way too sick of it, which is good, it lets me save for my electronics and I dont get fat like I would after a thousand chocolates. There is corn powder being sold but its often full of nesting worms, yuck.

3- I have, let me check… nah, I dont even want to count, like a hundred pictures of dead birds saved in my file collection. I could take them when theyre alive but there is no point, “I will see them again”, I dont need a photo then, I only take it before its too late.

4- After, like 30 years or something, I cant write in spanish. Sure I can and very well, but Im not able to, I never assimilated, so I dont do it and a shell personality does when needed. Aaaand, I dont think thats gonna change any time soon. If I had come here under different circumstances, probably wouldnt be a problem, its actually cool being able to.

5- Im a very sound oriented person, before anything, sound must be there. Then comes emotions attached to colors, and finally movement starts to happen.

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Coffee Drinking 23

I was thinking to myself: ~Say something funny, Au~
No, just no, impossible.
~It shouldnt be so difficult~
It is true when I say I dont “laugh”, I am at this “systematic” thinking all the time, I dont “relax” to become “normal” and embrace… you know, all of that, and I dont describe cause I am not mean about it. Point is I dont change levels, I am like this all the time, which I like and enjoy, all the time.
~Why did the bird cross the road?~
Because of illnesses or misplacement, and death, lets count each and every time… focus, Au, funny… lost in time and space, priscilla says to nick, what do you call love? well, I call it harry…


~Say something funny!~
Ahhhhhhh!
Well, I do change levels, when I feel too bad from tired, busy or sick, I play videogames while having an adventurous sense, it remains systematic, theatrical… I make tryhards angry online, they play for their self steem, what a pitiful life… its like studying history, so many do it to create sense and excuses for their squareheaded convenient mind, and I like things that they would consider “complete opposites”, thought bringing that to my storytelling is so far off the road, plus it gets political and kneejerking, I rather nuke the audience with a dreadful type of drawing than picking the fences of their world construct, the square gets angry when afraid, and I dont have time for that… oh, wanna see those drawings?! its kind of exciting, you see, its about…
~Funny, Au, funny!!!!!!~
Ahhhh, fuck off… maybe next time.

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A big thank you to L.G. (not that one!), for your generous donation to the proud and graceful movement of Au, though I dont know how Im gonna make a cult without drugs and sex dolls, exploiting depression can only get you so far.
And sorry it took a while to mention you, I wanted to give you your own post and then I got soooo busy… Thank you :)
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Coffee Drinking 22

I kept talking about the birds the last time, so I forgot about the other stuff that has kept so me busy lately, but meh, has gone well anyway. Generally speaking, I dont want to bitch and moan like a retard all day, if theres pain to be had, Ill take it to the stories, and then Ill enjoy it, oh Im so much happier, this way.

I kind of wonder why “retelling” stuff makes it pleasant, its not like Im changing it to my convenience, that would be ridiculously dumb and boring, I guess I like my memories, I guess theres affection to look back at, the sound of bass reminds me of Mother, the sound of the wind is about love, and you keep playing, on and on, forever, thats my happiness.

“I dont have much to say, but my heart, keeps overflowing, each and everyday”.

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I made these drawings for other people a while back, I have no idea who these characters are.

The last one was fun to do because of the arms, its tricky cause there is not much space to place them all, and going against a fixed clock, maybe one is too large (because I internally boycotted the original I thought, cause after seeing so much crap Im fed up…), not sure, maybe one day Ill change it. To compensate I censored the naked feet, I read the other days about some perverts that…

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A warm thank you in these days of mild cold to Pablo Roberto, for his nice online contribution to the Auish effort, he doesn’t have a blog but maybe he should! maybe ranting about the dull day by day filled with agony and silent despair, or perhaps about the destructive human schemes in order to take advantage, or possibly just about his dog, or cat, or wife, or whatever… anyway, thanks :)

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Coffee Drinking 21

Au is back!… not really, I still have to put myself together, and that will probably take some days, or more. First I was depressed about the last post, then sick birds coming to me… another wave of illnesses constantly supplying the hospital with patients, not only but particularly a small twist-neck virus epidemic, small because it has been very fast and lethal this time, which, maybe, its probably good, Ive seen very bad cases… so far only one has been able to recover from that, she actually made the hospital her home, and got attached to me, then she was able to recover and now one of the friendly ones, if I didnt remember, I wouldnt be able to tell she was so sick.

The other day I was thinking, I have never consider myself a writer but a, some sort of storyteller, mostly because I often tell stories about the self, so, unlike a normal writer, I have no idea of how is going to react on the audience, I do try my best to be honest and give the proper form so the message remains the same as the thought.

In a conversation I had the other day, I remembered how since the beginning of doing this, as I started to write the stories, I liked them complex and emotional, like a punch in the face coming from different places, but I also decided, I want it to be the way I talk, normally, the common me, so I could reproduce it any day, again and again, naturally. You could argue that you grow up and improve yourself, but what I really want is the language to be like my Mother taught to me. Funnily enough, I can hardly reproduce her ways in a direct manner. Which reminds me, while Aurora is a, emh, weird combination of her Mother, grandmother and father, her cousin is very similar to her Mother, which explains the heavy attraction…

Ill try a couple of examples that say a lot with simple words, from a “fictional” story, Ashes to Illusions:

If I could be anything in this world that flew
I would be a duck and come, swimming after you
The last time I was there, I couldnt make it through
Dont you know what happens after dark?
When the water keeps flowing and it sounds
And all the hunters lost their sight
Now that its day, all the grass essence
The insects and birds
All the trees and shadows
Are calling after you.

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When you do this sort of thing, you have to forget about the normal connection of sentences and ideas, and absolutely forget about explaining every little detail, an “I wasn’t born yesterday” so you can focus on your “crazy” that is not that, emh, lets say common. You must get there without actually saying it.

If I could be anything in this world that dies
I would be you and say, theres no note just say a lie
But the funny thing is what happened to his nose
It grew until it reached his own torn toes
I threw peanuts and salt, with leftovers from lunch
Oh, he knows, he said
Tell your friends to take care of the rest
Now all the teeth are calling out for you.

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I love the way she says he killed himself, and how it wasnt pretty… “oh, he knows, he said”, worry not. A lot goes in attributes of personality becoming the image.

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A big thank you to Michael Aitken at Painting, Songwriting and Poetry to for his contribution to this artistic effort and pigeon care.

You know, sometimes I want to write about history, cause it gets interesting once past the eternal state of war, the classic of the great empire that later divides, and how its easy to realize “everything revolves around power” and these are “horrible people”, everything else seems like an excuse. On the other hand, “…you must construct…”. It has to be done. And everything repeats again and again.

The Song of Ancient Empires

It tell us about the old empires conquering each other, the focus of the author is about christianity and the end of ancient eras, you peasants are not a toy of the imperial gods anymore, check it out!

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Coffee Drinking 20

Its been a little while with me being busy, sick, and with a bunch of pigeon medical emergencies and funerals… I dont really do funerals. I do have a ton of pigeon stories but Im keeping those for their proper place in the main one, though by then I dont know how much Ill be able to remember. Many friends and others have died this year because of the constant wave of illnesses, they even stopped nesting for a time after some viruses, this month however Ive seen and fed a few little ones again.

Ive been checking old notes and trying to put together the next story, I already narrowed it down to what will be, so most is reviewing and making the drawings, I did thought of a new story but that comes much later, its something like:

-What took you so long to bring money?! I didnt have any!

-I am sincerely sorry, I was busy with, Mother, and such.

-Hurry up, then!

-I should, yes.

-Dont get in the way of the money! I didnt have any!

-Me?

-She was busy because of you.

-Me, really?

-Give her money so she gives it to me!

-Oh, that, well.

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Youd think that would lead to a serious beating, but actually…

-Why cant you be more like your cousin?!

-I am sorry, Mother.

-You keep goofing around! move, dumbass!

-I shall, Mother, I shall.

-Tssk, youre never going to change.

-Apologies.

-Idiot.

-In humble regret, yes.

-Fucking idiot….

Feel not bad for Aurora, she keeps apologizing cause she knows she gets away with stuff, because of her freak strength mostly, I guess.

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About: Storytelling Days ~Intro~

Storytelling Days ~Intro~

A little explanation about the setting because it can be confusing.
After a certain accident and posterior events, Aurora keeps drowsing, so she develops an outer personality to deal with, well, everything. And then you have, Core and Shell.


The drowsing becomes a “coma”, those two personalities grow older but remain together in sleep, and a second simplified shell is created, the boy with the reverse hat.


Time keeps moving and the core does not wake up, the second shell tries to manage things but its impossible at the lack core attributes of personality.


The core creates another version of itself to manage the time and space changes, the “where I left”, the who I really am after so long, and such, the girl with the long crooked teeth, worry not, those fix on its own.


So you have the adults sleeping and the kids playing around. It gets more complicated but Ill leave it at that here. Theres a whole process of assimilation that comes later, starting with the kids, this part of the story tells about it.

In this, the Intro chapter, Little Wolf is waking up from this story, which had a happy ending, and is deluded into believing reality will be the same, she is a kid, she gets to be naive…

“Autistic” people tend to take attributes of personality and add it to the image of the person, and things get really desperate, so “she is the only one speaking english, she must be her”, I know, pathetic, oh… and then the rest developed.

The Revenge of the Frogs:

War, war, war, war, all our lives is all we saw.

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A big thank you to Michael Aitken at Painting, Songwriting and Poetry
For his noble contribution to the Auish effort.
You can read interesting writing and see a lovely cat avatar
For example, The Lies of War
How do you name the places around you? if youre like me you grow attachment to those, how do you name them? how would you name them? do you use their slave name, ever servant of the empire? Im sure you have a better name for those, after all, you do care for it.
Check it out!

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Old Notes 03

Good old happy Au is coming back to her senses, now worried about pigeon stuff, funny that I want to keep it to myself until I get to write those stories but by then I will “forget” so much, I do keep notes yet, you get tired of those just pilling up, and it is not the same, just some faulty map and my memory is not that good at all. Also, when writing about real, its a complicated relationship between catching the brilliant spark and the cooled down assimilated elements, with one you may lose perspective, with the other you may have just forgotten most of it and even moved to something else.

AnnoyedActress.png, just to post an image, not really related.

And now to continue with the funeral of this not Auish story, Ill speed up the process or Im never going to finish, and Ive been so busy these days, I have by far more in my mouth than I can chew, emotionally mostly, I need a vacation but I can only solve this with work.

I was recovering this deleted incomplete 7 chapters story from the old Au site, but I just recovered from a backup, this is 26 chapters… ahhhh…. now what?… I guess Im gonna move on and post this when I there is chance, hey, maybe I can finally adapt this into a full story someday.

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The “Old” Puzzle of a Lost Girl 02

Hikaris mother unlocked the door, went inside alone with a wooden stick and locked the door again, she had not even looked at Hikari when she angrily said “can you imagine what would have happened if your father was here?”. She saw deep into her daughters eyes, she was trembling and wanted to beg forgiveness, yet she couldnt even move her lips because of the fear, she could only bend her arms and legs while trying to cover herself with a white blanket, her mother came close to her bed where she was sitting and threw away the blanket she was half covering herself with, then she ordered her daughter to remove her clothes, Hikari paralyzed and her mother slapped her a few times until she reacted, she ordered the same again, Hikari was ashamed yet slowly complied, she forcefully and rapidly halfconvinced herself that it was proper for a mother to see her naked children, and she took her clothes off.
It became very painful when Hikaris mother examined her body in detail, she never really got along with her and she knew that her mother wasnt comfortable with her own aging, she seemed to be jealous of her own daughters youth, but it was something Hikari couldnt understand, neither why she was inspecting all parts of her body.
Both kept quiet during that time, except for Hikaris small cries of shame, when her mother ended the inspection the silence broke, she started to talk about all the problems she caused and the waste of her education and care, she went speaking for very long and Hikari couldnt say anything back, she had the idea that it could only make things worse. As her mother kept talking, she became angry and then furious, she told her daughter about what was divine and what belonged hell, she was trembling in rage, she finally ordered her daughter to stand up, turn around and put her hands on a table, Hikari didnt want to but she slowly did as ordered, then she felt the sudden burst of pain when her mother beat her back with the wooden stick, she did it many times in silence to later recite prayers as she kept beating the different parts of her body, including intimate ones, Hikari could only, once again, stand the pain as much as she could and keep quiet.
Ever since that day her life was different, while his brother could play in the gardens, she was ordered to study while locked in her upstairs room, she wasnt allowed to see anybody without the company of her mother, who discussed the issue with her husband and they both decided that it was best that Hikari stopped going to school and could only meet people under their supervision, that included her own brother and other relatives she barely knew.
Life continued and they all became older, Hikaris father half retired and spent more time at home with his wife, Hikaris brother became the star of the family and their business, waiting for his father to finally give him control of everything, and Hikari remained isolated, the only reason they exposed her at all to the public was because she was beautiful, so with a nice dress they could show her around and brag about it.
Hikaris mother had her daughter tested by a couple groups of nuns, they both said the same, that she was properly prepared in faith but she was basically useless, that it would be bothersome as she was now and that it was a good idea to wait until she was older and more capable of doing labor.
The mother waited but became tired of Hikari, both of her parents thought that they would eventually send her to some place faraway, but in the meantime just kept the status as it was, and one day they died in an accident and all plans changed.
At the funeral, Hikaris brother sometimes sat next to his sister and gave her a comfort hug, yet he didnt seem sad at all and she knew exactly what he meant, their mother wasnt alive to stop him anymore.
The night the funeral ended and the bodies were buried, they once again had a quiet dinner at their home, as it was before, he sat at the side of her sister and in front of him was now the absent father, he talked about the food and she responded normally, then he said that he was uncomfortable talking like that, got up and seated in front of her sister at the old chair of their absent mother; he had given a couple of weeks off to the chef and few maids, they were completely alone.
He tried to keep a normal conversation, she tried to answer as usual, the dinner ended and she asked if she could take the dishes to the kitchen, he said that he wasnt finished, she said that she was and asked to excuse herself, but she didnt wait for a response, she got up, walked quickly to her room and locked the door.
Half hour later she could hear that her brother was knocking at her door, he tried to get inside but the heavy wooden door was locked, Hikari asked what he wanted and he said that he wished to talk to her, she answered that it was the room of a lady, that he should abstain himself of visiting improper places.
The little act of courtesy ended and her brother started to kick the door, he did it many times and Hikari begged him to stop, he didnt until she said that she was going to open the door if he stopped beating it, he finally did and she unlocked the door.
Hikaris brother walked inside, nastily grabbed her sisters arm and pulled her to the bed, he sat her down and talked about their parents being dead, how he was now the master of the family and she was his own beloved mistress, that there was nothing nobody could do to stop them and he was going to remake the family with her, she didnt respond and he forced her into kissing and touching, she realized that he wasnt going to stop, so she asked him for a minute to prepare herself, that she accepted and wanted to show her love to him. Hikaris brother laid on her bed waiting for her sister to finish removing her clothes and combing her hair, but instead of getting close then, she suddenly ran for the door, got out and locked him inside, looked for a special suitcase she had hidden and prepared, put some clothes on and ran away from her house and her brother.

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Coffee Drinking 19

During this “setting business” phase, I have tied all parts of the process to my personal development, and I am learning a lot.

The beginning was a success, my teaching job and relaxing from that was taking too much time, in over a year I didnt do much, that also had to do with my deep depressions, but I was finally able to break that through and go back to my storytelling self.

The second part was also a success, as I did manage to make some money, that I actually needed to reach my savings goal after spending so much this year.

Will I be able to make any money again? I have no idea, and I absolutely hate the sheep hoarding know as marketing, I think better of you, I put my best out there, if we are somehow compatible, then we get along, and thats it.

And at this third phase I went around places where they want drawings in order to promote myself, make sense, right? … riiiiiight… I did got a good response and people were nice, I will probably keep going to a couple of those.

But let me tell you about something, and this is when the Au is such a ~huge hardcore feminist in constant denial~ comes into play. My first impression: “this is dudeland”, and its fucking ridiculous, you see countless images of women but not a trace of womanhood in any of it, because they just like the image and then shape it as an accessory of themselves, the elements and structures that create the woman are not there, its just some guy wearing a girl mask dancing around and then they have an orgy on him, like a degenerate greek and roman theater, theyre all gay and they love it, but they dont get a kick out of it, so they dress like a girl in order to do so.

Ahhh… after so long this was actually the thing that broke the wall for me to talk into politics, ahhh… its beyond disgusting and it is slavery, people want to take advantage and thats human nature… “and me, I am much happier, this way”, Im gonna set the limit for what I want and continue to be happy, I have learned that.

On the positive side, Im breaking through the first visualization block that I have, I want to be much faster at the start of the drawing and in general too.

Too much talk about drawings, lets see some, this first two were in fast mode, whatever you can make in 10-20 minutes, I have no idea where the characters are from:

The next one screams how much I draw like an old lady, the person who requested was probably expecting something more, flashy, and I went for the realistic form.

The drawing at the start is from Kara no Shoujo, next month an HD remake will be released, though is in japanese and the detective parts are impossible to understand :S, hopefully an english release will come soon.

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Old Notes 02

I think it wasnt bad, and I did manage to develop it a little, but it wasnt very Auish so I dropped it without much second thought. It starts with a play on the names that I thought I was going to use later, I never did.

This was the original “Puzzle of a Lost Girl”, the good one is ten thousand times better. Anyhow I thought of saying goodbye to it by posting it one more time. If someone wants to take it and actually finishing it, would be cool.

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The “Old” Puzzle of a Lost Girl 01

Long ago in a faraway land there was a very young beautiful girl named Hikari, she lived with her kind mother and they both used to remember about the lovely man who died some years ago, he was her father, the caring husband of her mother.
Many years ago Hikaris mother, whose name is also Hikari, lived with her parents and her brother, they were rich and enjoyed a luxurious life, the parents were very devoted people and the mother spend many daily hours teaching her daughter about the glory of the heavens and the pain of the hells, the power of the god, the end of the world and beauty of creation.
Eventually they had an accident near another city while doing a business trip, both of them died and life for Hikari completely changed as her older brother took charge of everything.
Hikari cried for hours because of her death parents, it was something she never expected, it caught her by surprise and now she was left alone, one would think that she had her brother, but. After hearing the news, her brother organized the funerals and was the one who talked to people, he ordered Hikari to dress nicely and just said thanks to whoever tried to comfort her, while her brother was social skilled and already a big personality in the city, she was quiet and lonely, she didnt have any friends and could barely speak in public, at the funeral she became a beautiful black dressed doll seated at a corner who could only repeat a couple of words, on the contrary, her brother was already making business plans with older men who were friends of their dead father.
The funerals passed and it was time to realize what homelife was going to become, there was only Hikari and her brother, and it was extremely painful for her because he still was full of desire from when they were younger.

Hikari used to play with her little older brother, they were both kids and had a lot of fun running in the big green and flowered gardens, they even looked for secret places to rest and sleep together, but after the little boy senses began to awake, her brother started to develop a forbidden attraction for her sister, she was everything to him, she was all he ever knew, he saw his mother as an old disgusting lady, and his sister as his mother, lover, friend, idol, everything a beautiful girl he was inlove with could be, she was his whole world and meaning.
On the contrary, his sister had a very structured idea about what her family was, what her mother taught her was all there was, she didnt feel much about everything else, and that included the forbidden feelings of her brother. During playtime, he started to get closer to her body, gave her strong hugs and told her that he loved her, she used to laugh and hug him back, saying that she loved him too; then the first time happened, they were at their favorite secret place, he got on top of her and started to kiss her lips, they used to kiss like that all the time but now it was obviously different, she could sense his passion and desire, it twisted and hurt her heart, she thought that it was wrong and sinful, that he was her brother and he could never be her husband, that god and their mother was going to be angry, that it was the work of a demon, that she lost her beloved brother to lust.
She tried to stop him, she thought of lecturing him about the teachings of the church, to reason with him about the sins inside his heart and what it could do to the family, but she couldnt even do that, her older brother was too strong for a young weak girl as Hikari, she tried to fight but he forced his ways, first it was kissing, then he roughly touched all of her body to later rip her clothes off, exposing her naked body to her brother was too much and she screamed, he forcefully covered her mouth and advised her to keep quiet or else he would tell their parents that she was the one seducing him.
The parents always loved their older son very much and made true all of his desires, if he wanted something he always got it, on the contrary, Hikari was like a faulty spare son that was born as a woman, childish and with no skills at all, she was useless and her father hated her, her mother as well but she had some compassion, she thought that she could become a good nun one day, or something that they could be proud about, without an attention to Hikaris feelings, who always knew her older brother was the priority for everything.
So, at that world and heart breaking moment, Hikari nodded her head and cried, she accepted to give her body away for her brother to enjoy, and he did, he was violent and uncaring, all he wanted was pleasure, Hikari could only stand the neverending pain in silence, she couldnt even beg her brother for forgiveness, she thought that it was somehow her fault.
Many more times happened until one day Hikari couldnt take it anymore and continuously screamed like crazy, her brother freaked out and stopped his acts, their mother heard and went inside her room to find in horror about the sins of her children, she froze in panic but quickly reacted, she got close and pushed them apart, she turned to Hikari and with all her strength slapped her face, then to her son, angrily stared and told him to get out as she grabbed his arms and walked him out, then closed the door. A short time after, she went back in and locked the room door from the outside, at distance Hikari could listen the many lectures she gave to her beloved son, later it seemed that he said to her that he was sorry and that he was not going to do that again, her voice tone changed and everything was more peaceful, until the time she came back to unlock Hikaris room door.

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